Do I really have to keep titling these?

Not with that attitude, ruddy hell. Also loving Mrs Feelsorryforherself tucked away in the corner. Turns out her arse really DID look fat in that.

Wasn't that an anime?

Tits, fanny and cock

1 - Up the arse?
2 - Yeah! WHY DID SHE TURN LESBO? Also - who is Tommie Jo?
3 - I believe that's the title of Dan Brown's latest opus.

Made from reCYCLEd newspaper

I really, really hope that's what he actually said.

TRAMP IN SKIP IS CRUSHED ALIVE

The title for this post is the first headline I ever fell in love with. Sadly it resides in a very low resolution photo, stuck on some broken phone in one of my cupboards, long with a few other corkers that will never see the light of day.

Luckily the British media never stop providing quality snippets of journalistic goodness.

STARFLEET CAPTAIN IN SICK FILTH NONCE SHOCKER

Wimminz maggazeens

For many a year now I've enjoyed casting my eye across - and having a good chuckle at -women's/lifestyle magazines. These are a bizarre breed, usually mixing stories involving love, family, tragedy, horrific disfigurement and ghosts. Apparently this is what the average British house-wife can relate to.

It is these types of magazines that make my job here incredibly easy, especially anything relating to ghosts. I remember one from years ago that read "I'm having sex with a ghost...while his wife sleeps in the next room". I mean, honestly - how can you NOT want to read that article?

In general, a single cover for one of these types of magazines will have at least 2 or 3 gems. Observe (you may want to note that Pick Me Up is only 68p, so you get more real life for your money compared to those capitalist fat cats from Real People):

Now, bear in mind that these are entirely average magazines. I found them on the shelf next to each other and are by no means shining examples of the worst headlines available. That said though, let's break down what we have here:

- GIVING BIRTH MADE MY HEART EXPLODE
- NOISY ORGAMS got us an ASBO
- WE'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER...HERE'S HOW!
- FRAMED FOR MURDER BY MY KILLER DAD - EVIL
- My car park birth caged a PERVERT
- Drowned by Mummy to spite us all
- Accused of incest by my jealous daughter
- My hubby had an affair cos I couldn't stop being Princess Diana

That last one just beggars belief. Was he fed up with her constantly crashing Renaults, or noshing off Will Carling? Thanks to some stonking detective work by Gaz, the actual article has been tracked down. It's true car-crash material. No pun intended.

Lord knows how car park birth lady managed to produce a police anti-paedo squadron from her fanny, but hats off to her.

Apparently the secret to immortality is available for just 70 pence in "Real people". It is "100% true life", so I can only assume that it's a highly regarded scientific journal. Next week - how to build a time machine using a George Foreman grill and a bog brush.

NEW NEWS

I've been a lazy bastard blogger, it's true. BUT, I have been gathering material tirelessly and I'll get around to posting it all for your ocular orbs to feast upon as soon as I can be fucked (because ASAICBF is snappier than ASAP).

I tend to fell particularly slack when somebody submits material and I don't get around to posting it for a while. Luckily Sean (again, cheers brah) made me aware of this 'un today, which has kicked my arse back into gear:

I always told my mum the other kids just ate carrots, but she wouldn't listen.

With this one you get the double whammy of profound headline, mixed with somewhat unfortunate positioning of the other photo/article of Ronald Reagan getting shot. POLITICIANS ARE ZOMBIES, EVERYBODY SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD WITH MASSIVE GUNS.

That is all.