Shredlines

Bed-hopping nob and a broomstick

2009-08-27T09:41:00.003+01:00

Love-rat surprised fiancee with £30 ring
http://www.sunderlandecho.com/news/Loverat-surprised-fiancee-with-30.5588306.jp

A love-rat who has fathered seven children by seven different mums has finally found someone to marry him.
Unemployed Keith MacDonald, 24, who claims he has been bed-hopping since he was 10, had his first child aged 15.

He could cost the taxpayer more than £1million in benefits by the time the children grow up.

But new girlfriend Clare Bryant believes he is ready to settle down.

Keith, who has fathered a child on average every 14 months, met his new love at Sunderland bus station in March while he was swigging lager.

Clare, 20, said: "He was drunk, but he knew what he was doing, so I said yes."

After lunch at a branch of sandwich and pasty chain Greggs in Middlesbrough, the couple met a few days later at the pub where Clare was working and she became Keith's latest girlfriend.

Clare said: "He didn't have any money after walking out on his trolley-collecting job so I got us lunch from Greggs.

"He told me that he didn't see any of his kids any more, but I wasn't bothered. I was more concerned about the drinking, or if he might cheat.

"Keith said he was a new man though, and I thought he deserved a chance. My mum and stepdad told me I was an idiot. They didn't think he'd change and told me not to let him get me pregnant."

But Keith surprised her with a £30 engagement ring. Clare has quit her job and moved into his two-bedroom house.

The couple say they are looking for jobs to save for a big wedding.

Clare insists that Keith has tried to see his children – Jamie Leigh, nine, Kady, seven, Angelis, six, Brandon, five, Matt, three, Emily, two and one-year-old Clio – but their mothers will not let him.

Keith's kids costs £60,000 a year in benefits. By the time they are all 18 it is estimated that will have totalled more than £1m.

Earlier this year, the Echo reported how the couple claimed they had to leave their rented home as it was deemed unfit to live in. Clare said she was shocked when she saw the state of their rented home in Maudlin Street, Hetton Downs.

Sunderland Council confirmed that officers from the Housing and Neighbourhood Renewal Team inspected the property and instructed landlord Dreamport Properties to carry out essential work.

Awwwwwwwwwwww

Teen jailed after shoving broom up youth's backside in drunken prank
http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/news/Teen-bars-humiliating-GBH-broom/article-1279566-detail/article.html

TEENAGER Jacob Charles is behind bars for GBH after shoving a broom handle up a youth's backside in a drunken prank.

The 18-year-old, who has just left St Joseph's College in Trent Vale, was at a house party in Trentham on April 13 when the joke backfired.

Stoke-on-Trent Crown Court heard Charles carried out the prank as his victim lay unconscious.

The attack left his victim having to use a colostomy bag, and his family has paid £6,000 for private surgery.

Now Charles is starting an 18-month sentence at a young offenders' institute after admitting inflicting grievous bodily harm.

Paul Spratt, prosecuting, told the court: "The defendant picked up a broom and held it towards the backside of the victim.

"In a very short period of time he realised he had penetrated the anus because when the broom was taken away there was blood on the handle.

"The victim was taken to a conservatory and left. He was still very drunk, was sick and taken to bed."

The victim, who cannot be named, was later taken to hospital, and the court heard he had been left extremely ill, embarrassed and frightened by the attack.

But he believed Charles did not maliciously intend to cause him serious harm.

Charles, of Fieldsway, Stone, was arrested about a week later. He accepted drinking too much alcohol – five bottles of beer, five cans of cider and some spirits.

Admitting picking up the broom, Charles told police: "I could not feel more horrible at all."

Amy Jacobs, defending, said: "It was a drunken prank gone horrifically wrong. It was not a case where harm was intended from the beginning.

"He was horribly intoxicated. This was immature, alcohol-fuelled high spirits." Miss Jacobs added Charles is full of shame.

His A-level results were not as good as predicted, although he was due to start a degree in biology and English at Keele University next month.

Miss Jacobs said: "He is normally polite, well mannered and well respected. This is entirely out of character."

Judge Granville Styler told Charles: "This was reckless, gratuitous and humiliating violence to a victim you knew was unconscious because of drink. You used considerable force to push the handle into him."

I was a tubby child

2009-08-11T13:54:00.002+01:00

Some people prefer prams, but you know...whatever floats your boat.

We've all been there love.

Hot Greecey cock

2009-08-07T16:40:00.004+01:00

Greek Woman Sets Fire To Amorous British Tourist

http://www.theage.com.au/travel/travel-news/greek-woman-sets-fire-to-amorous-british-tourist-20090807-ebps.html

A Greek woman, who allegedly set fire to a drunken British tourist’s genitals in self defence, has become an overnight hero in her country.
The 26-year-old, who has been cheered in public for her actions, is defending charges of causing bodily injuries to the 23-year-old Briton and endangering private property.
She allegedly set fire to the man’s penis and testicles in a nightclub on the island of Crete after he allegedly waved his genitals at a number of women and tried to force her to touch him.
Britain's Daily Telegraph reported that the incident occurred in Mallia, a coastal resort known to be full of British tourists who drink and party heavily.
A police statement said the man took down his trousers and waved his genitals at a number of girls.
He then targeted the 26-year-old Greek woman, "forcefully fondling" her and asking her to grab his genitals.
Police said the woman asked the man to leave her alone but, when he wouldn’t, she poured the alcoholic drink Sabucco over his penis and testicles.
When that also failed to stop his advances, the woman took a lighter and set fire to his genitals, local media reported.
The man received second-degree burns to his penis and testicles. He remains in a private medical clinic in Heraklion, the capital of Crete.
The woman must wait until the hearing today to hear whether the case will go ahead.
The magistrate and prosecutor agreed to set the woman free pending trial, indicating they accepted her argument that she acted in "justifiable self-defence", the Telegraph reported.
Last month, the British Government urged Greece to ban organised "bar-hopping" tours and clamp down on doctored drinks to help stop young British tourists from getting into alcohol-related trouble after a series of incidents.

Once again, Sean delivers the goods!

Arf arf arf

2009-07-24T09:39:00.003+01:00

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2548510/Sea-lion-mates-himself-to-death.html

Sea lion mates himself to death

A RANDY sea lion named Mike died of exhaustion after a marathon mating session at a zoo.
The whiskery beast had been enjoying a morning romp with his harem Farah, Tiffy and Soda when keepers noticed something was wrong.
The dad of 12 was so exhausted that he could not even get out of his pool - and had to be pulled clear by staff.
Despite receiving treatment from a vet, the 45-stone "good natured" sea lion died from acute heart failure.
Exhausting
A spokesman for Nuremberg animal park in Germany said on Tuesday: "Mating season is a common time for fatalities when bulls often stop eating for days to devote themselves fully to mating.
"For sea lion bulls with a harem this is the most exhausting time."
California-born Mike was 19 - two years older than the average life expectancy.
The spokesman added: "He will be remembered fondly."

What a pimp. Although what kind of a guy doesn't stop mid-banging to eat a bucket of fish heads?

RIP Mike
1990 - Vinegar Strokes

Double Disabled Dhursday

2009-07-23T13:08:00.002+01:00

The bus probably wasn't short enough.

INCORRECTLY PLACED APOSTROPHE (probably) AHAHAHAHA. You SUCK, Derby Evening Telegraph. Possibly.

I think I was on the bus mentioned in the first one and, to be fair, the woman in the wheelchair was being a massive dickhead to the driver. If she was that bothered she could have just skitched on the back by grabbing the hosepipe or something. Some of them are sooo lazy.

Red nose and broomsticks

2009-07-16T11:40:00.002+01:00

Which end?

You should probably pop that or the other reindeer will make fun of her.

This sucks

2009-07-15T13:07:00.000+01:00

There's been an image floating around on the web for a week or so of the following headline:
Which I'm sure you'll all agree would be great. But sadly, a quick bit of digging reveals it's a Photoshop jobby. The original article is here:
http://www.advertiser.ie/mayo/article/14280

Still though, cheers to Leigh for bringing it to my attention!

Leaf it out...

2009-07-15T12:59:00.002+01:00

Maybe it was the careers adviser trying to get the pupils to head in a nude erection.

After surgery, make sure you change your dressing twice daily.

There's that little "Girls JOUST wanna have fun" tucked away in the corner there too. But that's not nearly as mental.

Friday is crime day here at Shredlines

2009-07-10T10:38:00.000+01:00

...and other short stories for kids.

My bet's on either Dracula or the wolfman.

I probably shouldn't poke fun at such a serious story, but really, these magazines do themselves no favours. 2 different fonts, 3 colours and capitalisation of RAPED and ENGLISH just scream 'Pulitzer'.

It just writes itself

2009-07-09T13:31:00.000+01:00

Double Dhursday

2009-06-25T12:02:00.000+01:00

You had to go ruin this one with the last two words, didn't you?

He fucked a wasps nest? Dirty bastard.

Who you gonna call?

2009-06-24T10:38:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Sean of The Punning Man for yet another slice of mental magazine nonsense.

Ozzy was enjoying his side-project

We've all been there

2009-06-17T11:10:00.000+01:00

Nonce.

Daft bints

2009-06-16T13:33:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure which one to believe.

Really?

Really?

REALLY?

Sometimes it's just too easy

2009-06-09T12:12:00.000+01:00

Big thanks to my buddy Sam Wessel for sending over this one from the Front magazine website:

If I'd been walking past this, I'd have popped an S before "QUITS". Because I'm a twat.

He also linked to "MP Blunkett injured in cow attack". Apparently now he's blind and moote.

Coincimentally, as I was writing this post, I was also sent one from Sean (again, cheers blud).

Jah blessed de Westy.

Mardy bums

2009-06-02T15:52:00.000+01:00

Show off

Slag

You don't want to know what they do with their fudge

2009-06-01T16:46:00.000+01:00

Werther's a willy, there's a way

Do I really have to keep titling these?

2009-05-31T23:27:00.000+01:00

Not with that attitude, ruddy hell. Also loving Mrs Feelsorryforherself tucked away in the corner. Turns out her arse really DID look fat in that.

Wasn't that an anime?

Tits, fanny and cock

2009-05-29T12:17:00.000+01:00

1 - Up the arse?
2 - Yeah! WHY DID SHE TURN LESBO? Also - who is Tommie Jo?
3 - I believe that's the title of Dan Brown's latest opus.

Made from reCYCLEd newspaper

2009-05-28T13:48:00.000+01:00

I really, really hope that's what he actually said.

TRAMP IN SKIP IS CRUSHED ALIVE

2009-05-27T15:29:00.000+01:00

The title for this post is the first headline I ever fell in love with. Sadly it resides in a very low resolution photo, stuck on some broken phone in one of my cupboards, long with a few other corkers that will never see the light of day.

Luckily the British media never stop providing quality snippets of journalistic goodness.

STARFLEET CAPTAIN IN SICK FILTH NONCE SHOCKER

Wimminz maggazeens

2009-05-22T12:19:00.000+01:00

For many a year now I've enjoyed casting my eye across - and having a good chuckle at -women's/lifestyle magazines. These are a bizarre breed, usually mixing stories involving love, family, tragedy, horrific disfigurement and ghosts. Apparently this is what the average British house-wife can relate to.

It is these types of magazines that make my job here incredibly easy, especially anything relating to ghosts. I remember one from years ago that read "I'm having sex with a ghost...while his wife sleeps in the next room". I mean, honestly - how can you NOT want to read that article?

In general, a single cover for one of these types of magazines will have at least 2 or 3 gems. Observe (you may want to note that Pick Me Up is only 68p, so you get more real life for your money compared to those capitalist fat cats from Real People):

Now, bear in mind that these are entirely average magazines. I found them on the shelf next to each other and are by no means shining examples of the worst headlines available. That said though, let's break down what we have here:

- GIVING BIRTH MADE MY HEART EXPLODE
- NOISY ORGAMS got us an ASBO
- WE'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER...HERE'S HOW!
- FRAMED FOR MURDER BY MY KILLER DAD - EVIL
- My car park birth caged a PERVERT
- Drowned by Mummy to spite us all
- Accused of incest by my jealous daughter
- My hubby had an affair cos I couldn't stop being Princess Diana

That last one just beggars belief. Was he fed up with her constantly crashing Renaults, or noshing off Will Carling? Thanks to some stonking detective work by Gaz, the actual article has been tracked down. It's true car-crash material. No pun intended.

Lord knows how car park birth lady managed to produce a police anti-paedo squadron from her fanny, but hats off to her.

Apparently the secret to immortality is available for just 70 pence in "Real people". It is "100% true life", so I can only assume that it's a highly regarded scientific journal. Next week - how to build a time machine using a George Foreman grill and a bog brush.

NEW NEWS

2009-05-21T16:03:00.000+01:00

I've been a lazy bastard blogger, it's true. BUT, I have been gathering material tirelessly and I'll get around to posting it all for your ocular orbs to feast upon as soon as I can be fucked (because ASAICBF is snappier than ASAP).

I tend to fell particularly slack when somebody submits material and I don't get around to posting it for a while. Luckily Sean (again, cheers brah) made me aware of this 'un today, which has kicked my arse back into gear:

I always told my mum the other kids just ate carrots, but she wouldn't listen.

With this one you get the double whammy of profound headline, mixed with somewhat unfortunate positioning of the other photo/article of Ronald Reagan getting shot. POLITICIANS ARE ZOMBIES, EVERYBODY SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD WITH MASSIVE GUNS.

2009-05-01T12:57:00.001+01:00

That is all.

Stuff You (Sent Me)

2009-04-30T08:42:00.000+01:00

Today I present to you a couple of user submissions that I've sat on for a few days. Bit like yo momma then, EH?

First up is this corker from Mr. Sean Haughton of Kingston, Jamaica (or South London). The keen-eyed of you may notice that I added a bit on to the side. This is for the spack-brained of you who wouldn't have been able to figure out how the headline ended.

This is brilliant. It works on so many levels. Two levels. It actually took me a while to notice the "'SNOW DAY LINKED TO SURGE IN TEEN PREGNANCIES" bit and then it all came clear. I imagine the phrase "Ice, ice, baby" has been used countless times over the years for headlines, but I doubt it's ever fit this well.

This bad boy was submitted by Simon Poole (hehe, poo). Cheers dawg!

Old people these days eh? In fact, I've always said that old people should be killed at birth.

Wanker bastards

2009-04-28T23:16:00.000+01:00

It seems like those liberal loons at the BBC have stolen/independently had the same idea as me. I'm sure you'll agree that the former is much more likely.

Joke's on them though, as I'm gonna steal loads of content from those chumps. Take that, dickfarts.

Pretty sure they'd be furious if they had to share a caravan with me.

This isn't that good really, you're way better off if you watch the documentary Special Needs Pets

Sounds like a REEL troubled SOLE. Hopefully EEL think twice before FINishing with his next missus. Tuna.

I also have a couple of submissions from some rad dudes that I'll get around to posting sometime soon, I'm sure you'll be on tenterHOOKS. Sorry.

2009-04-24T12:54:00.000+01:00

So far I'm not sure how easy it will be for me to caption/comment on photos, but I took a cracking one last night:
I realise this isn't really funny and was probably quite traumatic for some bints, but I still laughed like a twat when I saw it. It's good that they pointed out they were female patients though, bad enough that he's a molester without being one of those gay lords as well.

Pluggage

2009-04-23T13:52:00.000+01:00

You like awesome stuff right? Of course you do, else why would you be here?

Check out http://thepunningman.blogspot.com/

It's ran by a dudemeister called Sean, who has somewhat of a fondness for puns (be they funny shop names, combining words or even headlines like what you get on here - as long as they're a pun anyways).

If you don't do it, then I'll murder your family for a laugh.

CONTENT

2009-04-23T11:01:00.000+01:00

Just to lay down some solid content, here's a load of shit I nicked from here:
http://www.oddee.com/item_96156.aspx

I'm fairly sure they just copy their content from other sites anyway, as I've seen most of these in other places. Eat me.

What a retard. Check me out with the witty captions.

Haha, "balls"

That'll be the menopause, then

Whatever, I'll do what the fudge I want

I called the pigs to let them know where Psycho Mantis is hiding

This kid is awesome. Not for saving his life, but for laying down the law afterwards.

IIS FUNNEE BECOZ IIS IRONY

INTRO

2009-04-23T10:20:00.000+01:00

How do? Your main man murta (check the alliteration) here, with a brief introduction of what this is all about. There could well be a similar/identical blog knocking about, but balls to them because they won't have the same content as me (except when I steal theirs).

Basically, for a few years now I've been taking photos of funny/mental newspaper headlines, especially those ones you see on boards outside shop windows.

It might be easier to just show you one:

I hope Mr. and Mrs. Dumpty still enjoyed their honeymoon.

It really beggars belief that newspapers (regardless of whether they're local) deem this to be compelling news.

So if you have any examples (be it online news articles or photos of actual newspapers/whatever those board things outside of newsagents are called) then send them my way on shredlines AT murtaman DOT com

If you can't figure out why I wrote that in that particular fashion, then you can nob off.